日安憂鬱 Bonjour Tristesse

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歐洲文學課看了一部傳記電影《莎岡日安憂鬱》(Sagan)。莎岡十九歲出版的處女作《日安憂鬱》(Bonjour Tristesse)讓她一砲而紅，但她酗酒、好賭、揮霍生命和金錢，最後染上藥癮無法自拔。一開始看就可以感覺到她的人生結局必然孤獨，這樣的享樂主義和不在乎長久的關係真的會讓人快樂嗎？


雖然才看了一點就可以預測到故事的發展和結局，還是覺得整部電影非常精采，可能是因為莎岡的真實人生就是如此精彩，但在我看來是精彩也是瘋狂，我並沒有嚮往那種瘋狂，看著她的一生，那是我這輩子不會體會到的生活，因為我並不想要。




　　看了莎岡的傳記電影後，對她寫的書就更好奇了，十九歲就寫出了這本驚豔文壇的《日安憂鬱》(Bonjour Tristesse)，我有想過會不會只是因為大家炒作而讓這本書如此暢銷？前面三分之二是看老師印給我們的英文版本，後面三分之一是看我從圖書館借的中文版，真的覺得那是只有十九歲少女才寫得出的青春時期內心矛盾和輕狂。很多老師都說，不可以把作品中的主角當成作者本身，但我在看這本書時還是一直覺得主角瑟西爾(Cécile)的價值觀和內心世界就是作者莎岡的啊，似乎也預示了莎岡自己享樂、自由卻孤獨終老的一生。

就如書中安娜所言，賽西麗的父親雷蒙(Raymond)到某個年紀，將不再具有吸引力以及健壯的身體，也不能再喝酒了，但仍然想著女人。為了擺脫孤獨，他們只好花些錢，做許多妥協，以便使自己不感寂寞，然後會漸漸地感覺傷感，甚至變得落魄不堪。不只是男人會如此，很多一輩子崇尚享樂主義的男女，他們的人生結局好像大致如此吧。有人喜歡細水長流的幸福，有人想要轟轟烈烈如煙火般燦爛短暫的激情快樂，沒有好壞或對錯，只是人生的選擇不同。

看著法國少女瑟西爾的十七歲，我也想者自己的十七歲，同樣的是內心常常矛盾，對很多事情其實沒那麼瞭解，卻又自以為很懂，有點自我中心的感覺。不同的是對感情的態度，她其實不確定自己是否真的愛希里樂(Cyril)，仍和他接吻、做愛，享受戀愛的快樂，老師上課時問，現在誰會覺得初戀就要走一輩子？沒有人舉手，但我內心想著，其實我滿希望可以這樣的，很幸福的感覺。

已經有二十二年慢慢累積起來的價值觀，就沒辦法很客觀的看書中那對父女的享樂行為，在他們看來，我應該也像安娜(Anne)一樣，過著冷靜、理性、遵守道德規範的平穩生活。很想知道像瑟西爾那樣過著享樂、自由日子的人看了這本書是什麼感覺。

就是因為不曾過過這種日子，期末報告想研究這本書中的享樂主義，瑟西爾因為和安娜有衝突，其實看起來也就是那種少女害怕後母會限制她，讓她從此以後無法自由享樂所產生衝突，所以她就設計讓她父親偷情，但在最後安娜傷心要走之時，仍求她原諒。

     我不懂，她到底是想要一輩子過著放蕩不羈卻有可能孤獨終老的生活呢？還是想要安娜來讓他們過著無趣卻是安穩滿足的日子呢？整個故事就在這兩者之間擺盪，無法取得平衡，少女的心難以捉摸。

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